TJM's Poetry Place

I am sharing some thoughts about the title choice for my upcoming collection. The title of my upcoming collection is “Dragonfly – A Collection of Healing”. Some have asked why? What do dragonflies have to do with abuse, depression, anxiety, and all the other aspects highlighted in your poems? What made you come to this decision?

Titling a collection of poems, essays, a novel, or other writings is challenging. The author wants the reader to glimpse what they will find within. The title also speaks to the author and is personal. Additionally, you want the work to stand apart from others. The many aspects of picking a title are like selecting a name for your child, for these words are our children. We have carried them, given birth to the words, and nurtured their growth. A name means something.

When I was reviewing my total collection and struggling to find a title, the appropriate name for my debut, I looked at the poems in totality; what did they have in common, other than me? The collection starts with a poem written by a fellow poet, a woman who I expect one day will be published and lauded for her works. The poem’s title is “Daughter,” and it encompasses the overall theme of my collection, ending with the word – Dragonfly. Two pieces are tied directly to Dragonflies – “Nymphs to Dragonflies” and “Phoenix and Dragonfly.” These poem titles still don’t answer why dragonflies. Is there a deeper meaning behind the title?

There is a deeper meaning. When you look at the symbolism, you find many variations across cultures. The meanings that resonated with me were change and transformation, adaptability, joy, new beginnings, freedom, grace, and self-realization. Each of these meanings is captured in my healing journey and poems.

Change and Transformation

In going through the treatment process for depression, anxiety, and CPTSD, I had to make changes. I had to look at my past, I had to acknowledge the pain, and I was able to move forward. Looking back and moving forward led me to forgiveness for my mother and myself. With the gift of forgiveness, I transformed from the angry, bitter, hurt child presenting as a grown woman. The change was healing – the transformation was growth.

Adaptability

The ability to reach out to my past and comfort a hurt child while working and living as an adult required me to adapt to the situation. Adaptability was a skill that kept me moving forward as a hurt child, an angry teenager, and a hot mess of an adult. I learned to adapt my style to the situation. I had to fit what others needed. Over time, I knew I didn’t need to please everyone or adjust. That in and of itself was a form of adaptation. I had to accept the new me: the whole me, the good, the bad, and the changing me.

Joy

I never understood that happiness and joy could be found at the back end of pain and sorrow. Finding myself and accepting the true me allowed me to let go of the anger and open up for joy. That doesn’t mean that I won’t ever be hurt again or that old feelings and behavior won’t appear; it means I know what joy feels like, and I want to keep it.

New Beginnings

Change and transformation led to new beginnings: new thought processes, new trust, and new faith. I am a spiritual person and believe in God and his power. I am not a theologian and can’t quote chapters and verses. I was allowed to start fresh. My past was washed clean, and my future is before me. I will make mistakes on my own terms and start fresh as often as I need to. New beginnings with happy endings.

Freedom

Janis Joplin sang, “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.” I still have plenty to lose, but I have the freedom to choose. I choose to let go of a past I don’t need; I let go of anger, bitterness, and all the other trappings that come with healing. I am free to be who I was uniquely created to be. Free from the feelings of worthlessness, fear, confusion, and pain. Freedom didn’t come easy. I had to forgive. I had to accept change and be changed.

Grace

Grace was an integral part of my growth – my transformation. I had to accept grace and give grace. It wasn’t a one-way street. Accepting grace was more complicated than providing grace. It required forgiveness of myself. I thought I was beyond redemption, that my past actions excluded me from grace. I had grace all along. My faith teaches me this. In accepting God’s grace, I uncovered the true meaning of love and freedom. My children gave me grace in raising them; I made mistakes, and we grew together; my husband gave me grace in our marriage, and I, at times, was not a nice person to be around. My friends and extended family may not have understood me, but they gave me grace anyway. They loved me where I was. I just never saw it. Giving grace to others became easier as grace was provided to me. It didn’t happen overnight. It took practice and active thought. I had to look at others not from my vantage point; I had to put myself in their position. I had to recognize that I had no idea what might be happening in their world. Grace allowed me to move forward without resentment.

Self-Realization

The culmination of all the growth is what many may call self-actualization, but what in the heck does that really mean. I am not a therapist or philosopher. I don’t claim to have all the answers. It means knowing who I am, accepting myself where I am, and acting by what I believe. Sounds heavy. It can be. Am I free from self-doubt, distrust, fear, and other daily life struggles? No, I must remember to give myself grace, to seek happiness, and to experience joy.  I have to look at why I am upset and why I am angry. What is really going on? Am I hurt, afraid, sad, or hungry? We all know hunger will set us off. Did I receive a bad grade or a poor appraisal from my boss? These then attack my sense of self-worth and could lead to a downward spiral if I permit it. Instead, like a dragonfly, I rise above, spread my wings, and fly to heights I never knew I could enjoy.

After my aunt died, I wrote the poem “Phoenix to Dragonfly” for my cousin. She is the Phoenix, and I am the Dragonfly. We each had to change. I hope you enjoy the poem and better understand the collection’s title.

Phoenix and Dragonfly

By: Theresa J Manderski

In a field charred dark

rises one small flower

Barely seen –

almost defeated

Fragile stems suspend

lustrous purple petals 

       Buoyant

beyond parched earth

Dragonflies dance round

Looking for space to perch

Bursts of color

illuminate

sunlight reflects

kaleidoscopes

dizzying

 array

intertwining

with

wings of glass

Ascending Phoenix

victorious

over death