TJM's Poetry Place

I am committed to being open and transparent about my healing journey. My journey included writing, therapy, family, friends, and God. Each was an important aspect of finding my way back to who I am.

Creating a poetry collection devoted to overcoming my past abuse, depression, and anxiety didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t come as a brilliant flash of an idea. It came one piece at a time. The words, edits, and the thought of putting the pieces together came. What could I do with it, and how would I proceed? I didn’t know. I didn’t think the words were worthy of being read. Just as I felt I wasn’t worthy of love.

Over 18 months ago, I was lucky enough to find a therapist with a faith-based background and approach to healing. It was necessary for my journey through my past to have God as part of the conversation. Overcoming the trauma of my past included a strained relationship with God, with the church, and with the community. Healing continues to be hard work. With time, the pain has shifted. Not all days are dark, and there are more good days than bad. During therapy, my therapist recommended I read “Can You Drink the Cup” by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I purchased it on my Kindle but didn’t open it. After a few months, I decided it was time to peek at the book; within the introduction was this Latin phrase – “Ego Sum vite, vos dal mites,” translated to “I am the vine. You are the branches.” God puts the words, the speakers, the authors, and the thoughts into our lives at the perfect time. These words echoed messages I had heard in church. I just didn’t quite understand the concept.  I now understand that if we don’t abide in Christ, we are nothing – we will not bear fruit. We are dry branches meant for the fire. We control nothing in our lives. We may want to be Christ-like, but without Christ, we are not. Without Christ, I couldn’t heal; I couldn’t grow.

Healing is an interesting concept when you look at it. Learning to accept the growth in myself is more complicated than I anticipated. I fought the change because I didn’t feel worthy of it.  Freedom is frightening. Being able to make my own choices and live where and how I want without judgment – or not caring about the judgment of others. Also, a new concept for me. I have spent too much time worrying about what others think. I didn’t worry about what I thought or give myself credit for the soundness of my thoughts. I focused on others’ needs and desires. Sometimes, it feels selfish. Selfish to be happy, to be content, to just be. Growing up surrounded by chaos, fighting for peace seemed all I knew. I couldn’t handle the calm, the being. Many things change with healing, and healing isn’t linear. It isn’t a comfortable process; there will be phases when you step back and even stop. During these times, I felt helpless. Writing helped move me forward.
I have learned that just as happiness can change, so can depression. Depression will always be a part of my life. It isn’t a byproduct of my past. I can’t control it. I can manage it and take steps to alleviate the symptoms. Depression isn’t just sleeping, not sleeping, anger, tears, overeating, etc. It is also the quiet moments of contemplation when you just aren’t sure, the lack of faith in yourself to feel happy. It is the moment when I can’t share what’s wrong or what is good. I can’t explain the feelings that march through my mind. The overwhelming sadness that threatens my very core. Therapy, God, and medication, yes, medication have helped. Other tools for me have been walking, writing, reading, and quiet. Everyone will have their own methods, and I share mine as I share my poetry and thoughts to provide resources and hope.
Sometimes, I am happy and don’t know what to do with my emotions. I am afraid something will take it away. That I don’t deserve it.  I keep waiting for the doom to sweep in and remove everything I have been working on.  And that is messed up!  I am not used to happiness, joy, and love. It is scary, and I don’t think it is supposed to be.  I feel like I am afraid to be happy. I am scared to say it out loud because it could be taken away. It feels like old thinking and past treatment are creeping in to steal my joy. From a faith perspective, evil has to come in to remove me from what God has given. I feel like a child learning. I am learning to love, trust, and think appropriately. My first steps before I run. Learning to have and appreciate happiness. Contentment. I now understand why I never liked that word. It wasn’t a comfortable state of being for me. I now find comfort in the quiet and in the stillness. Changing/transformation is part and parcel of healing. We must accept who we are and challenge what we believe.
Dragonflies symbolize transformation, adaptability, growth, and wisdom in several cultures. I have always been drawn to dragonflies. They are beautiful and majestic creatures. They spend most of their lives “growing” to adulthood, then spend their adulthood celebrating life and reproduction.  If you look at how they are formed, they resemble a cross. Christ also transformed us through his death. He forgave our sins. We just have to ask for forgiveness and mean it. We have to turn away from a life of sin and embrace his goodness. We must trust in God no matter how complex or lengthy our past was “wrong.”

The last 18 months have been a period of transformation and growth. I am leaving behind the old, forgiving the past (myself), and putting my faith and trust in God. If the next portion of my life is short, I can live happily knowing that I am loved, I can bear fruit, and I will thrive as a survivor. May you each have a path forward to your own personal joy. My way does not have to be your way. Just find someone, something, and move forward, knowing that the light you see is the light you always had within you. #healing #poetry #tjmspoetryplace